Guys. I haven't posted here in almost three years! And what a WILD three years it has been. The Lord has been doing a mighty work my my heart and in my life. It's been an amazing season of growth, pain, healing, dreaming and so much more.
Just a quick recap for those of you who don't know what I've been up to... I worked for YoungLife military for a year or so in Florida and Colorado. After that adventure I moved back to Oregon where the God took me through a painful but incredible time of healing. I worked for the Oregon National Guard for a couple years running the Child and Youth Program. I got to work with military families in Oregon which was great! Though it was not where I wanted to be long term, I am thankful for the experience and the opportunity. I recently quit that job and am currently unemployed as I am preparing for an even greater adventure. You may remember I took a trip to Latvia this last summer to help put on an English camp for students, with the purpose of sharing the Gospel with them. It was an incredible experience to say the least, and it was much harder to come back to Oregon than I anticipated. Being a part of God’s work to bring light and hope to a country full of darkness and brokenness is the desire of my heart! If you remember, I went to school for youth ministry with the hope of one day being in full time ministry internationally and so I am excited to announce that I will be returning to Latvia in May for an extended internship with Josiah Venture to do just that! JV is the ministry we partnered with while we were in Latvia, and I have been given an opportunity to work with them in a greater capacity. Their vision is to see a movement of God among the youth of Central and Eastern Europe that finds its home in the local church and transforms society. For the first part of my internship (May-August) I will be partnering with the local churches and JV staff to help put on various camps (Music, English and Sports) throughout Latvia. The second half of my internship (August-December) will be working with those same churches to help further the growth of the youth there. I look forward to getting a better vision of what international ministry looks like and seeing what God has planned for me following the internship. I am so thankful that the Lord has used these last few years to prepare me for this next year. I am thankful to be a in a healthy place and get back into full time ministry. Thank you to those who have been a part of my journey! I am excited to share what the Lord does in Latvia and beyond! I'll do my best to post updates as often as possible. Thanks for partnering in this with me friend! In Him, Tori Shine
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It was one of the hardest realizations for me. About two years into my relationship with God I came face-to-face with the brokenness of my own humanity and my twisted desire for love and relationship. It didn't happen all at once, but rather it was a slow process of understanding my misplaced motives and unfortunately my true hearts longing.
I came to know Christ through the ministry of Young Life: a youth centered, relationally driven outreach ministry. Over time I had developed a beautiful relationship with my leaders ~one of our goals in Young Life~ but what I did not realize at the time was, though I was elevating God to the throne of my heart, my leaders followed not far behind. I discovered that as I grew closer to my leaders, I grew closer to the Lord. This is not a negative realization, but the danger came when I was actively choosing to rely on my leaders rather than the Lord for growth. Not only that, but instead of desiring time and relationship with God, I craved time and relationship with my leaders. This went on for a couple of years and though I was growing in many aspects of my walk with Christ, I did not realize that I was setting myself up for severe heartache. I had eventually exalted my leaders, as well as other people, to a place of ruling my heart, but what I had not taken into account was their own humanity. I was looking to people to fill my needs; emotional needs, physical needs, spiritual needs; needs that ultimately could only fully be fulfilled by the Lord. I had constant reliance and dependency on my leader until one day, she let me down. I was heartbroken, I was furious and I was confused. It was the beginning of a hard lesson for me. Learning that people cannot be God, only God can be God. That's not to say that we all try to put someone in the place of God, often times we put something in that place instead; money, relationships, jobs, sex, the list goes on. And let me tell you, coming to terms with this was one of the toughest, yet most freeing experiences of my life. Just like I have always looked to my work and performance to bring significance, I have also often relied on other people to determine my worth. If you have not read the first part of this blog series, now would be a good time to do so. The second portion of this blog series is closely tied to the first. As I mentioned in my previous post, we all long to feel significance of some sort, but our pursuit to find it looks different for us all. Obviously if you read my last entry you now know my deep dark secret, I'm a work-a-holic. I tend to use my work to not only define me, but also to gauge my value and importance here on earth. So here is the surprise, that's not my only downfall when it comes to where my significance is placed. Like I said, we all have different defaults. Each of us look to different things to fill us, validate us and identify us. Just because these are the struggles I am writing about doesn't mean they are true for everyone. Your go-to validator could be much different than mine. But I tend to find that these are universal struggles for many as we suffer through our human nature. One of the biggest culprits to misplaced identity and self-worth is our relationships with others. I recently have a discussion with a friend about this very topic. She has asked why I believe we tend to have this natural instinct to look to people to not only fill us but to even determine our own identity. Of course it is something that the Bible warns against when it speaks to idols and fleeing from them. Because ultimately were talking about an issue of idolatry. Anything we put before God is an idol, anything we can't stop thinking of is an idol, anything we want with all of our heart is an idol. And when other people consume our thoughts and lives, they become our idol. I think we could all confidently say we are guilty of that in some capacity. So why is it we often find ourselves in this place of letting people define us, or even worse, putting people before God? To make a complex answer simple, I believe it is because we were formed in the image of God Himself. A relational God, a God worthy of all praise. We were most definitely created by God to live in community and share our lives with others, and even use our relationships to grow and guide us. However, it is exceptionally easy to become fixated on that person rather than the God who created that person. Just like my relationship with my leader, I would find myself craving time with her- because when I was close to her I felt closer to God. To some, that doesn't necessarily sound like an issue, but there is a very fine line that we can cross without even realizing it. We can misalign our heart in a direction of growing in so-and-so and Christ, instead of purely growing in Christ. It's a subtle shift for sure, but a disastrous one nonetheless. It is one thing to have friends and mentors who are passionate about God and to desire to be close to them. The danger comes when crave their companionship so much so that it preoccupies our mind and heart. These relationships not only become idols in our lives, but they become a way of measuring our own importance in not only that persons life, but life as a whole. This reliance on a persons approval imprisons us, chaining shackles to our heart, most often without our own awareness. We then are not only bound to their opinions and view of us, but we elevate them to a place where only God should reign. We become addicted to their approval and fear their rejection, often becoming oversensitive to their criticism. The result, as I shared in my own life example, is disappointment within our relationships, and ultimately our perception of God. Even if the person who holds this title in our life is someone of good faith, loyalty, and all around great character, it is impossible for them take the place of God wholly. We may get away with this substitution for a period of time, but because humans can and will not ever be perfect, this inward exchange is bound to let us down. They will never fully satisfy. If we look to others to govern our importance, they will undoubtedly disappoint. This inaccurate sense measurement is not only seen in friend-to-friend or mentor-to-mentee relationships. In fact I would argue to say that this is most often seen in the places least expected; work, church, and marriage. Obviously I can only personally speak to a few of those, but it is without a doubt prevalent between a husband and wife. When two become one there is most definitely a temptation for one to place their identity in the other, and often frustration and conflict arises when they disappoint. Even in a Christ-centered marriage, it is impossible for a spouse to fully satisfy. And when your value is placed in the hands of a significant other, heartache surely will follow. I believe many people fall prisoner to this battle in the job place; and it is easy to do! Naturally when there is an individual higher than us, we desire to not only impress and win over their affection, but to become just like them. We so deeply value their input and attention that we allow them to occupy a small piece of our heart that should only belong to God. The same could be said, sadly, within the church itself. I've seen this happen far too often, the pastor is place upon the pedestal of the church and of our hearts. It seems like a given, we should look to our pastor as the perfect example of what to do, what to say and who to be. Yet how often do you hear of the stories of pastors falling into the temptations of this world? It's heartbreaking to so often see pastors caught up in sexual impurity, but somehow we are perpetually dumbfounded. My point is this, there is not a single person on earth who can measure up to, or take the place of God. And when we forget that, because we will, we will inevitably be let down. Romans 3:23 reminds us that, all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. Even our pastor, even of godly mentor, even our spouse. (Praise God for the refrain... and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.) Alright, let me now bring this rabbit trail back around. When we place our hope and our identity in people, we will always be let down and we will never see our true significance. But when we place our hope and identity in Christ, He will never fail, and He will always remind us of our significance. Psalm 136 reminds us (26 times to be exact) that God's love with never fail. And His love is the only love that will never fail. He is our King, enthroned to be our Everything. The reign of our hearts belongs to Him and Him alone. Only then will be able to understand the vastness of our purpose here on earth. If this hits close to home, let me encourage you with this. Just as the people we place on the throne of our hearts are not perfect, neither are we. We cannot expect to come to this realization and immediately make a change. Even though I’ve thrown off my need to depend on others to feel close to God, it’s an idol that still rears its ugly head in my life now and again. Like I wrote in my last blog, until we come face-to-face with Christ Himself, we will continue to fight the world, the devil and our own flesh. Be honest with the Lord about the condition of your heart. Who or what is currently reigning where the Lord should be? He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins, even this one. For those of you who know me, you know that I have always been a performer. No, I don' t mean on the stage with a costume and microphone; trust me, you don't want to see me on Broadway. But a performer in the ways of constantly striving to accomplish, achieve, win, and attain; not just for others but for myself. It's been a way of life for me for as long as I can remember. I have always loved being busy, I have always loved working and I have always loved filling my life with challenging tasks I could do well. I remember even back in elementary school I would be the one to win every spelling bee, get all the best grades and win each science fair. In middle and high school I would be president of every club, taking all AP classes and even finishing high school two years early. I would constantly desire to be busy, at one point I was even working four jobs during my time at a University. I would take well over the suggested amount of class credits, and throw myself into places of service and ministry simply to keep myself busy. This was not done with the mindset of being the best of the best, but rather a search for significance in accomplishments and validation in doing. I loved being busy because it meant I was important. I loved doing well (and doing a lot) because it meant praise and love from those around me. I had fallen into a performance trap that I didn't know was an issue, let-alone even existed. I realize I'm writing about this struggle in past-tense, and I wish I could do that with confidence that I've overcome the temptation to achieve. However, I stand before you today and confess that I am still a recovering work-a-holic. As much as I wish I could say I've figured out how to walk away from a life of working to earn value, it's unfortunately a present struggle even after years of recognizing it's severity. Here's the truth; deep within each of us there is a core longing for our existence and presence to matter. We yearn to not only be noticed, but to be celebrated and valued for who we are (though we get that last part confused with "what we do"). We desire significance, and that desire is not wrong! But it's been twisted and led us astray since leaving the Garden. It's brought us away from seeking delight from the Lord, and led us to seeking significance from the world. And I am so very guilty of that. Stay with me as I talk about what our mentality should be. The focus of a Christian should be on Christ, not on self-imposed regulation or validation through performance. I've had a lot of transition in my life these last several months. I've moved across the country (twice), I've lived out of suitcases for far too long, I've said too many goodbyes for my heart to handle, and I've been busier than I expected. It's been a wild ride but I wouldn't have it any other way. After making many changes in my life, I've recently landed in a temporary position of work in the ministry I'm with. It's been several weeks of not a lot of work to do, very few tasks a day and a slow moving process. A work-a-holics' worst nightmare. Praise God the amount of work I get done does not determine my importance, or else my life would be meaningless. It's been a difficult few weeks in this place because I so deeply desire to feel significant, and my previous method of measurement is feeding me lies. My method suggests: there's not a lot of work to do, which means you don't do anything. You don't do anything, which means you have no purpose. Somehow over the course of my life I've shifted my focus on performance, instead of on Christ. I look to what I can do to validate who I am. It makes sense for pre-Jesus Tori, but post-Jesus Tori feels as though it should be an easy shift back. We have to realize though that we've conditioned our minds to operate in this way, and setting our mind and heart back on Jesus is not a one-and-done solution. Until we come face to face with God, this present life with continue to pull us away from Him and towards our selfishness and flesh. It's a continual process in which we must take every thought captive to make ourselves obedient to Christ, and sometimes that means a daily, hourly or minutely battle. Seems like a lot of work, I know. And there will be days (and hours and minutes) that we fail and resort back to our performance-based condition, but our failures and lack of accomplishments will never change the truth of who we are in Christ. Zephaniah 3:17 says this... "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” You are known by God. He celebrates your existence. Not for what you have done, but because He loves you. The Lord our God, Who is mighty to save, takes great delight in you and in me. That’s significance. There are people who work 70 hours week. There are people who don't work at all. There are people who search for significance in their work. There are people who search for significance in other people. There are people who have never felt significant at all. And yet all of those people are valued by the King. God’s solution to our performance trap is His justification. This means God has not only forgiven us of our sins but also has granted us the righteousness of Christ, therefore we are already pleasing to the Father. At our very essence, as a daughter or son of God, we are good enough. Regardless of what we accomplish or what we don't accomplish, we are made valuable because of what Christ has done for us. Because of who God has already called us to be. I pray you and I both learn how to live in that truth. Next I'll write about seeking significance through other people. I've been thinking a lot lately on the idea of being known and knowing others. I know a lot of people, and a lot of people know me. But so often in my life I have felt as though many people knew me, nobody truly knew me. Kind of like before I came to love Christ, I knew of God but I did not know God what-so-ever. So many people knew who Tori Shine was, but I never felt as though anyone truly knew me, knew my heart, my desires and my shames. Many believe that they should keep those personal things, well, personal. There is truth to that and I do believe we should use discretion when sharing personal information for others, however I think many people shy away from the danger of sharing anything at all. And that is what truly damages us. I think it is vital for each of us to be known personally, even if only by a few people. For so long I desired people to not only know the real me, but to love the real me despite what they know. To be loved but not known is comforting, but superficial and frivolous. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear, and why so many of us keep the messy stuff to ourselves. But to be fully known and truly loved is, I believe, one of our deepest desires. And when done in the likeness of Christ, to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known. Otherwise what's the point of either one of them in the first place? To be fully known and truly loved is what liberates us from pretense, humbles us deeply and directs us to becoming more like Christ- on either ends of the process. Think about the story in John chapter four; the Samaritan woman at the well. A Samaritan was part Jew and part Gentile, a "mixed breed" of sort. Impure. It was already a social suicide for Jesus to be speaking to someone of that kind, not to mention the fact that she was a woman. A woman who was known in the city to be unclean. She had been with many men and at the time of meeting Jesus was with a man who was not her husband. Unclean, ashamed, used, abused, an outcast, a failure, a disappointment of a sinner. "Known" by many and loved by none. She had been at the well to gather water when Jesus appeared beside her as asked for a drink. A drink? She probably thought the man was crazy for asking such a thing, as Jews and Samaritan did not share anything in those days. She was a woman of no importance, a bad reputation and a broken spirit. And He wanted a drink from her. "How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samaria?" No drink from those hands could ever be refreshing, only condemning. Jesus asked her about her husband, to which she was caught in an awkward response. "I have no husband", Jesus reponds, "You are right, you have five. And the one you are with now is not your husband." I bet in that moment she had a feeling of uncontrollable guilt, shame, disturbance and embarrassment. And in that moment she made the realization that this man was no normal man, but someone of great importance. "A Prophet", she thought. He corrects her and she then finds out that this man was Jesus the Messiah. The Messiah. In that same conversation Jesus revealed to her what was to come, and asked her to go tell those in her city (a monstrous request in and of itself). There is so much that could be taken from this incredible story. But what I am left thinking as I read through the pages is the fact that for the first time in her life, the woman at the well was truly known and fully loved by this man in front of her. This man who she had never even met. I believe that she probably thought something similar to this: "You take the time to really look at me, you don't need to get to know me. For to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known, and you know me. You actually know me, all of me and everything about me. And yet you still look at me. And yet you still love me. Every thought I've had, every hair on my head. Every hurt stored up, every hope and every fear. From my past to my future, all I am and could be. You know me. Everyone else has looked and walked by, has cast glares and spit, but you stop and listen. You stop and speak. You call me out for what I've done yet still look at my heart, not my sin. You know what I am yet you still ask of me this bold request, and I accept." This woman went on to be what many consider the first evangelist. This broken and damaged mess of a woman. (Isn't it so funny how Jesus tends to do the opposite of what society expects?) I write about this story because I believe it gives such a beautiful example of what it is like to be known and loved, something we all desire so deeply. I have spent many years of my life afraid of letting people in because of the shame and embarrassment I clung to. I believed the lie that if someone truly knew the real me, they would no longer love me.
This story tells us the COMPLETE opposite. Something in me believes that the woman at the well had never in her life felt so seen and so loved and accepted. So what am I trying to say here? I keep babbling, but it's because this story really hits deep for me (for more reasons that I've shared here). What I am trying to say is that if we truly want to be loved the way that God intends us to be, it requires us to be willing to let people know us. I still remember the moment I sat down with someone close to me and opened up my heart to them. Even though I was sharing these dark and disgusting (so I thought) secrets with them, I had never in my life felt so loved and accepted. That person I was with had just heard what I believed to be the worst parts of my life and yet she looked at me with love in her eyes and told me a story of a woman who had done far worse and was still loved and forgiven. The woman at the well. What an incredible story of hope and redemption. A story that still encourages me to be open and vulnerable with certain people. I think we often are convinced by satan to keep those things to ourselves. He tries to get us to believe the lie that nobody could love us if they TRULY knew us. But I an convinced that people can't fully love us until they truly know us. The good news is that even if you could never get yourself to share your heart with someone, Jesus still knows. And He still loves with a love that surpasses all. But I hope this does encourage you to find someone to share your life and your heart with. It is something so powerful and something that I believe was intended by God to take place. If you'd like to read the story I referred to in full, check out John Chapter 4:3-42. I also pulled a lot of my ideas from a poem written about the story called "To be loved is to be known" by Chris Kinsley and Drew Francis. My heart is troubled today. We have been seeing over and over the brokenness and sin of the world revealed in terrifying ways lately; more than ever it seems sometimes. My heart aches, I feel sick when I turn on the news, and I sometimes fear logging into Facebook knowing that there is yet again something troubling on my news feed. I'm sitting here on my day off sipping coffee, sitting poolside in the sunshine, listening to birds sing and watching the neighbor kids play basketball. Unharmed, untouched, peaceful, blessed. But yet my heart is troubled today. Back home in Washington my friends and family are being pummeled with rain and floods and tornados. Friends are losing battles with cancer, others are desperately in need of money and prayer. The Syrian war continues to crush my spirit, the kids in my ministry are hurting, and sometimes I feel so helpless to the terror going on around me. My heart is troubled today. I know I'm not alone in this. I know we each have similar heartaches, stories of pain and times of helplessness and hopelessness. These things we have in common that continue to weigh on us and bring us to our knees. Our hearts may be troubled today but there is also one more thing we have in common, something we can each cling to and count on daily. Friend I know you see it most The dark before the dawn Feels fierce and it feels close But may you hear the angels voice He says hold on one more hour To me will you son So I will feel the night For the coming of The Lord And I'll await the light That I have seen before Friends I hope that in your times of trouble and heartache and pain, you remember the goodness of God that we have seen before. It's how I start my days, it's how I end my days. Remembering the faithfulness and the lovingkindness that I have seen before. The times and places where I cannot deny the greatness of the Lord. In these times remember that God promises to make all things right, and we should continue to look to that light, that promise, until that day comes. Enduring the night, looking to the light that is to come. Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5 Just something to think about. A word from the valley of my soul. My heart may be troubled today but I choose to feed it with faith and promise rather than fear and pain. A quick update:
I'm doing really well here in Florida! Life is good, work is good. The beach is good and God is good. I'm still in need of some finances, so if you are interested and able, please contact me about donating to my Young Life fund. Look forward to my monthly newsletter, and let me know if you would like to receive that. Thanks friends. Much love, Tori. Forgive my lack of updates, I suppose blogging is not my strong-suit, as you may have noticed. It's hard for me to find a few moments to sit and reflect outwardly on all that takes place in my life. It's a lot though, and I feel it's important to process all of those things somewhere other than your head- whether people read it or not. BUT, because I know many people do read it, I try to keep it organized, PG, and somewhat exciting. But who am I kidding? I don't have to try to make my life sound exciting, it simply is full of adventure and excitement all on its own. I have been blessed with a life far greater than imagined. I've done more, seen more and heard more than many people do in their lifetime, praise God. For those of you who haven't seen my last years worth of Facebook updates, I have just embarked on my most recent adventure, less than three days ago actually. For the last year I have been in preparation for full time ministry with Young Life Military. Finishing college, raising support (my salary), and learning the ins-and-outs of military life. All of which have been challenging, but all of which have been a wonderful experience. The last two or so months have been even crazier as I was attempting to graduate early and move to Jacksonville Florida (yes, the furthest away I could possibly get from home) to take a position at Mayport Naval Station. Success! It's been perhaps the scariest thing I've done, but so full of excitement and blessings. I get to work with (what I think are) the coolest kids in the world. Kids who full of strength and brokenness, boldness and fear, experience and wonder. Kids who have lived a life of change and challenge. What a beautifully messy combination. And I get to be involved! You may hear a slight expression of sarcasm, but I don't intend for that to be the case. I truly am excited, nervous, and humbled to be a part of their lives. I've traveled from Dublin to Munich, Amsterdam to Barcelona, Honduras to Mazatlán and Paris to Venice but I believe this is the best adventure I've been on yet; Jacksonville Florida. I arrived in Florida on Tuesday evening and after several hours or sitting on a plane, I went straight to Club (like a crazy version of youth group for you non-younglifers). Somewhere in between however, I was able to meet the family that has graciously welcomed me into their home for the time being (we'll get to that later). The next morning I drove to a staff meeting in downtown Jacksonville (farther away than you might think) and back to Mayport for several other meetings. Yesterday was full of paperwork and more meetings, and today I am taking a much needed day off. If you know me at all, you know that I am a work-aholic. I like to get things done quick so that I have extra time to get other things done. It's how I operate and sometimes suffer. I don't often give myself to relax, to process or to simply just be. But it is something that God has continued to press upon my heart, the importance of taking time to be with Him without work or to-do lists. I still suck at it, and fail to require that in my weekly schedule, but I am learning and gradually getting better. Hence, today. I'm enjoying a cup of iced chai, looking out at the beach, listening to a couple guys chat about their surf stories and simply just "be-ing". Okay, here are a couple more updates and things you should know! Like I said I am living with a family in Jacksonville Beach for the time being. They attend a church here in the area and a mutual friend connected us. I am constantly in awe of the many ways that God has provided for me. Whether a home, a family, finances or whatever, He is so faithful. I have had the privilege of living with some of the most incredible people and my new family, the Hayes, now fall into that category. They have a three year old daughter who might be too adorable to handle! Nazare (Mommy) is also pregnant again, so that is pretty exciting too! I'm sure you will eventually see many pictures. It's hot. Not just "my armpits are kinda sweaty" hot, but like, "my everything is sweaty" hot. Today has actually been pretty nice compared to the first few days. It hit 55 degrees and everyone pulled out their jackets and scarves. I thought it was perfect. I miss the greatness of northwest coffee. They don't really do coffee around here. They try, but to a coffee snob like myself it is just a joke. The beaches are beautiful. I didn't realize how close I would be to the beach... but it's right there! So far every day has been it own adventure and I'm sure the following months will keep in line with that. How exciting! I would love to hear from you guys, so please feel free to send a text, an email, snail mail. Anything. Love you all and will try to post again soon. Much love, Tori. I don't remember much of my childhood. Bits and pieces here and there, but the majority of my memories have long escaped my mind for some reason. There are few things that I can recall, such as knocking out my brothers tooth in elementary school, going to work with my dad early in the morning, and hating the smell of fish. And I remember being so afraid of the dark. It's a common fear for kids, and even some adults, but almost every child goes through a phase of being terrified of the darkness. As I have been reminiscing on the past this last week or so, I continue to think about the times in the last few years that have seemed so very dark. A different darkness than a room that is without light, but a darkness nonetheless. A physical darkness or a mental... darkness is darkness, and it is something most people are afraid of. I was thinking to myself, why is that? The answer is simple, and applies to the childhood fear of darkness, as well as the fear we as adults have of darkness of our hearts and minds. Darkness hides what is real. It gives power to the things we cannot see and it enslaves us to the fear of those hidden things. Darkness keeps us from seeing the truth, and reminds us of the things we are unsure of. That along is reason to scare, but the second half is that as darkness hides the truth and things that keep us safe, it also allows us to hide. It allows us to keep from truly being seen in full. We hide the things we are ashamed of in the dark, and we keep those things hidden for as long as we possibly can... because who really wants to expose the nastiness of our lives? Thinking back to about four years ago, I remember a time in which I was surrounded by darkness. I was a new believer, actively walking with the Lord, though engulfed in the darkness of the world and my sin condition. I was depressed, I felt alone, scared and darkness was a close friend of mine at the time. The same darkness that was hiding me (my sin, fears, and thoughts) was also doing an excellent job at hiding the truth of Jesus in my life. Not only was I allowing the darkness to cover the Light the of Christ, but it was also gaining power over all of me. Months went by and still the darkness of depression and suicide consumed my life. What made it worse was Satan convincing me to keep those things hidden. I had gotten to a dangerous place... suicidal and secretive. The closest I came to opening up was talking with my Younglife leader who, with Wisdom from the Lord, could tell I was not doing well. I picture this as being trapped in an enclosed box. In complete darkness, somebody cut a hole in the top of the box and before I knew it.. light. Exposure. No longer encapsulated in darkness. It was a long process of accepting my brokenness and learning how to be open and honest. But the Lord did a mighty work in my life... allowing me to finally experience the freedom of walking in the Light. John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." Jesus, being the Light of the World, gives us the ability to see in the darkness, and reveals the truth amidst a dark world. Though that passage reminds us that is we follow him we will never walk in darkness again, I do believe that we as believers will often fall back into that darkness. Not because this passage is not true... but because it is not a one and done decision to walk in Light. It's an active choice we must make on a daily basis. To be completely honest, there have been times even recently where I feel surrounded by darkness. Not because Jesus is going back on His word, but because of the fact that Satan continue to try and cover us in darkness, and sometimes I make the mistake of accepting satans offer. We all do. We all will continue to go through seasons of darkness. Just last week was a dark week for me. I found myself struggling with depressing thoughts and I actually convinced myself that life would forever be dark again. I was gently reminded by a loving friend that I was not enslaved to that darkness, but that there was a choice I had to make to remember the truth of Christ- the Light. As I am sitting here reflecting on the emotional rollercoaster of that week, I have to continue to remind myself that darkness will come again- but it's what I chose to do in, and as a response to that darkness. Psalm 77 10 Then I thought, “In was in my grief: when the Most High stretched out his right hand, 11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. 12 I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” When trials and times of darkness come again into our lives, David reminds us that we should continue to remember and praise God for all He has done for us already. I think about the last five years of my life and just how much God has done in and for me! So much! It would be a dishonor to God to forget about those times when I am feeling blue. Guys, if I could write out everything that God has done in the last five years, I am positive that you would be in tears. The testimony of God in my life is incredible, and I often have to repent for the times I deny or forget that. My prayer for myself, and for each of you reading this, is that you would continue to remind yourself of the Goodness of God in your life. Remember the times where He rescued you from darkness. Think of all the truth which has been revealed in the good times, and hold fast to those things in the bad times. Don't forget in the darkness what God revealed in the light. God is good, even when we feel surrounded by darkness. I've come to accept it, but I've grown to hate it. For the last few years I have felt like change is the major theme of my life. I haven't felt the constant, steady pattern of life that some people have. Or many nobody really has that? Who knows. All I know is that even today my life brings more change and will continue to do so in the coming days. As many of you know, I have one last semester of school before I graduate with my Bachelors. That's only four more months until I'm supposed to officially begin my life in my chosen field of study. I've been living with a family I met back in January (a couple I traveled to Japan with and their five kids). Tomorrow I more out- a bitter sweet moment. Bitter because I love them all so dearly, and God has truly blessed me this summer because of them- sweet because it just means I am moving forward in my life. I'll be living with a couple who works at my school which will be just as great, I'm sure. God has already used them to encourage and bless me and I haven't even moved in yet! It is a steady reminder of Gods provision and presence in my life. So yes, one last semester which I'm sure will fly by, and then my time at Corban will come to an end. If you have been following the updates via my Facebook, you know that I have been raising support to be sent out into the missions field to work for Young Life Military. I am slowly understanding that everything in my life has been preparing me for a time such as this. God surely has given me a passion to work with youth, specifically through the ministry in which I came to know Christ, and specifically with military kids. I am beyond thrilled and beyond scared. I am hoping to be at my fundraising goal by the time I graduate in December and quickly move to a base where I will be running the Young Life ministry. You've probably heard this all already, but here is my financial info incase you haven't. Younglife is a donor based, non-profit ministry that exists to bring every Kid to Christ. In order to do that, staff must raise their own support and I am currently in that process. I have to raise $31,600 annually in order to make this all possible. That is about $2,633 in monthly donations ($2,000 of which is my actual salary). To qualify to be placed in the field I must have 80% of that pledged as well as have 3 months worth in my account ($7,899). To be honest, I'm only at about 9% funded... and that makes me nervous. However, I have faith that my supporters will come through and God will work everything together. If you would like to know more please ask! Okay, that rant is over. So, change. Change is all around me and sometimes it's hard to come to terms with. I know most of you have felt this before so if you have any words of wisdom please pass them along. I will never turn down an encouraging word! Sorry for such a small update. I'm not too great at this blogging thing, but I do know how important it will be especially once I'm in the field. So give me grace and pray that I would be more diligent in this. I do desire to keep all of my supporters and friends involved as much as possible. I'll write soon. Be encouraged, be fruitful and be Jesus to someone today! Tori Hello my friends! I have so much I need to be doing right now (for work and for school) but I couldn't help but fill you in on what my last week has consisted of. Unibrows, mud wrestling, Hawaiian Laue's, an overwhelming amount of food and ice cream, waterslides, obstacle courses, crazy dancing, loud music and a whole lot of Jesus. That's right- you guessed it- YoungLife Camp. This last week I had the privilege of taking a group of awesome middle school students to Washington Family Ranch- Creekside. One of the greatest places on earth (if not THE greatest). It was a last minute decision really, as the leader who was set to go broke her knee just a few days before. For those of you who don't know, YoungLife is the reason I came to know the Lord, the reason I am where I am today, and honestly the reasons I'm still alive. Because of the ministry of YoungLife, Jesus rescued me from a life of brokenness and defeat and welcomed me into His family full of joy, hope and love. So of course I would jump at the chance to take some students to a place where Jesus has been known to work miracles. Not to say He is limited to YoungLife Camp, because He is definitely not, but if you know anything about YoungLife, you know that many, many kids come to camp with broken hearts, and leave with the hope of Jesus Christ- it's an overwhelmingly amazing experience. Going to camp as a leader is much different than going as a camper (and I have done both), but every year I get to lead there- I am reminded of just how amazing my old YoungLife leader is. Going as a camper is one thing... you get to have the BEST week of your life, but going as a leader is far greater because you get to be a part of giving a kid the best week of their life. I'm not exaggerating when I say that we go above and beyond for kids at camp. We pack their days full of activities that are a once in a lifetime experience. We eat some of the most amazing food, we dance like mad men, and we listen to short messages about what life is like with Jesus. For most kids, camp is the first place they are treated the way they should be... like royalty. I love how YoungLife does everything in its power to make sure that each kid leaves feeling loved, valued, special and wanted. Not just loved, valued and wanted by their YoungLife leader, but by someone far greater- Jesus! I could go on and on about how amazing camp is for kids, (I mean come on, they scrape bird poop off of the sidewalk because they know that God wants the cleanest experience for His kids. They pull every weed in sight, scrub every toilet twice a day, and even shine the soccer balls). Like I said, I could go on. But the point I want to get across is this... This last week, over 100 kids gave their life to Jesus at Creekside (7 of which were from my area!!!). There are 8 groups of campers that attend creekside this summer. and Creekside is just one of 32 YoungLife camps across the world. YoungLife is only one of the amazing ministries around the world. Are you getting this through your head!? God is doing great things and I feel so honored that He uses me to be a part of it. I hope you feel just as honored as I do because if you are actively living for Him, He uses you too. One last thing I wanted to share was a song that we sang at camp... It truly encompasses what ministry is all about... Because of Jesus we will never be the same. When you rolled the stone away, when you walked out of the grave, you were standing in the light of day, everything changed. You said do not be afraid, you were scarred to heal the pain, you defeated death and shame, everything changed, everything changed. And when I mess it up, you say your love's enough, you say you'll never leave or forsake me. And when I come undone, you are the only one, to say You'll hold me now and forever- I- will never be the same. I- will never be the same. When you rolled the stone away, I was lifted from the grave, I was standing in the light of day, everything's changed. I don't have to be afraid, cause you're with me through the pain. You freed me from all my shame, everything's changed, everything's changed. And when I mess it up, you say your love's enough, you say you'll never leave or forsake me. And when I come undone, you are the only one, to say You'll hold me now and forever- I- will never be the same. I- will never be the same. I- will never be the same. We will never be the same. How exciting is it that we will never be the same. These kids who come back from camp will never be the same. I love that I get to be a part of that...
If you would like to know more about YoungLife, or would like to get involved somehow- please contact me! Much love. A few weeks back I was making coffee for a customer when he saw my shirt from Corban University (the Christian University I attend) and he said "God is good, huh?" I responded "all the time" as many Christians would do out of pure habit. If you grew up in the church you know what I mean. The Pastor says "God is good" the congregation responds "All the Time". He says again, "All the time" and the congregation responds, "God is Good." My coffee customer grinned, grab his cup of coffee, whispered... "All the time", and walked out the door. When I wear my Corban attire I have quite a few interactions such as this one, but for some reason this particularly short conversation stuck in my head for a while longer. I didn't know this mans story and he didn't know mine. I don't know the hurts and pains this man has endured, and he most certainly does not know mine. But even with that being true, this stranger and I were able to (in a matter or a few seconds) agree on the greatest universal statement of all times, regardless of our life circumstances. God is good, all the time.I often am reminded of that man and that conversation even now, specifically when I am having a good day and offer a praise to God. Something even better however, is the fact that I am reminded of that conversation on days that are the opposite, when things aren't going well, when life seems hard and when nothing seems good. I am in the midst of a crazy week, and as many of you now know it is because I am in the process of raising support for the ministry I work for, Club Beyond- a military ministry. I am meeting with friends and loved ones all week- back to back- every day. I am presented with the daunting task of asking my friends to partner with me and the Lord, and consider being a financial supporter. Much like everyone else, I am not a fan of asking people for money. I am not a fan of asking people for anything for that matter. For as long as I can remember I have been the independent type, never quick to admit that I need help. Thankfully the Lord and time has changed that, but never the less, asking for money is a hard thing to do. I have gotten to meet with quite a few people at this point, and luckily I feel as though the Favor of the Lord has been upon me, and people have truly seen and understood the need that there is in this ministry. I have gotten to meet with a number of people who are excited and desire to be a part of my life and this ministry. Praise the Lord. I walk out of almost every meeting with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. "Come on and bless Him, Come on and praise His name, for He is good!". The majority of my meetings have ended in that way- but not every meeting. I am learning that though many people are on board with this ministry, there are some who are not, and that is okay! There have been a few times where I walk out of a meeting, having been turned down and sometimes even persecuted. Though it is not fun, I still walk out with a smile on my face and a song on in my heart. "Come and bless Him, come on and praise His name, for He is good!"
It's taken me a long time to be able to do and say that, but I am learning (yes, STILL learning) that no matter what my day looks like, no matter what is said or done to me, God is still Good, all of the time. Many times this week I have been reminded of that man at the coffee shop. I am reminded of the Lords perfect plan, His favor, His provision and his sweet, sweet love. Be encouraged my friends. God is good- and His plans and desires for you life are good. Even in the bad days, He is still good. Psalms 34:8 O taste and see that the Lord is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! |
My Name's ToriThis is a place for my thoughts, dreams, rants, experiences and more. Archives
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