It was one of the hardest realizations for me. About two years into my relationship with God I came face-to-face with the brokenness of my own humanity and my twisted desire for love and relationship. It didn't happen all at once, but rather it was a slow process of understanding my misplaced motives and unfortunately my true hearts longing.
I came to know Christ through the ministry of Young Life: a youth centered, relationally driven outreach ministry. Over time I had developed a beautiful relationship with my leaders ~one of our goals in Young Life~ but what I did not realize at the time was, though I was elevating God to the throne of my heart, my leaders followed not far behind. I discovered that as I grew closer to my leaders, I grew closer to the Lord. This is not a negative realization, but the danger came when I was actively choosing to rely on my leaders rather than the Lord for growth. Not only that, but instead of desiring time and relationship with God, I craved time and relationship with my leaders. This went on for a couple of years and though I was growing in many aspects of my walk with Christ, I did not realize that I was setting myself up for severe heartache. I had eventually exalted my leaders, as well as other people, to a place of ruling my heart, but what I had not taken into account was their own humanity. I was looking to people to fill my needs; emotional needs, physical needs, spiritual needs; needs that ultimately could only fully be fulfilled by the Lord. I had constant reliance and dependency on my leader until one day, she let me down. I was heartbroken, I was furious and I was confused. It was the beginning of a hard lesson for me. Learning that people cannot be God, only God can be God. That's not to say that we all try to put someone in the place of God, often times we put something in that place instead; money, relationships, jobs, sex, the list goes on. And let me tell you, coming to terms with this was one of the toughest, yet most freeing experiences of my life. Just like I have always looked to my work and performance to bring significance, I have also often relied on other people to determine my worth. If you have not read the first part of this blog series, now would be a good time to do so. The second portion of this blog series is closely tied to the first. As I mentioned in my previous post, we all long to feel significance of some sort, but our pursuit to find it looks different for us all. Obviously if you read my last entry you now know my deep dark secret, I'm a work-a-holic. I tend to use my work to not only define me, but also to gauge my value and importance here on earth. So here is the surprise, that's not my only downfall when it comes to where my significance is placed. Like I said, we all have different defaults. Each of us look to different things to fill us, validate us and identify us. Just because these are the struggles I am writing about doesn't mean they are true for everyone. Your go-to validator could be much different than mine. But I tend to find that these are universal struggles for many as we suffer through our human nature. One of the biggest culprits to misplaced identity and self-worth is our relationships with others. I recently have a discussion with a friend about this very topic. She has asked why I believe we tend to have this natural instinct to look to people to not only fill us but to even determine our own identity. Of course it is something that the Bible warns against when it speaks to idols and fleeing from them. Because ultimately were talking about an issue of idolatry. Anything we put before God is an idol, anything we can't stop thinking of is an idol, anything we want with all of our heart is an idol. And when other people consume our thoughts and lives, they become our idol. I think we could all confidently say we are guilty of that in some capacity. So why is it we often find ourselves in this place of letting people define us, or even worse, putting people before God? To make a complex answer simple, I believe it is because we were formed in the image of God Himself. A relational God, a God worthy of all praise. We were most definitely created by God to live in community and share our lives with others, and even use our relationships to grow and guide us. However, it is exceptionally easy to become fixated on that person rather than the God who created that person. Just like my relationship with my leader, I would find myself craving time with her- because when I was close to her I felt closer to God. To some, that doesn't necessarily sound like an issue, but there is a very fine line that we can cross without even realizing it. We can misalign our heart in a direction of growing in so-and-so and Christ, instead of purely growing in Christ. It's a subtle shift for sure, but a disastrous one nonetheless. It is one thing to have friends and mentors who are passionate about God and to desire to be close to them. The danger comes when crave their companionship so much so that it preoccupies our mind and heart. These relationships not only become idols in our lives, but they become a way of measuring our own importance in not only that persons life, but life as a whole. This reliance on a persons approval imprisons us, chaining shackles to our heart, most often without our own awareness. We then are not only bound to their opinions and view of us, but we elevate them to a place where only God should reign. We become addicted to their approval and fear their rejection, often becoming oversensitive to their criticism. The result, as I shared in my own life example, is disappointment within our relationships, and ultimately our perception of God. Even if the person who holds this title in our life is someone of good faith, loyalty, and all around great character, it is impossible for them take the place of God wholly. We may get away with this substitution for a period of time, but because humans can and will not ever be perfect, this inward exchange is bound to let us down. They will never fully satisfy. If we look to others to govern our importance, they will undoubtedly disappoint. This inaccurate sense measurement is not only seen in friend-to-friend or mentor-to-mentee relationships. In fact I would argue to say that this is most often seen in the places least expected; work, church, and marriage. Obviously I can only personally speak to a few of those, but it is without a doubt prevalent between a husband and wife. When two become one there is most definitely a temptation for one to place their identity in the other, and often frustration and conflict arises when they disappoint. Even in a Christ-centered marriage, it is impossible for a spouse to fully satisfy. And when your value is placed in the hands of a significant other, heartache surely will follow. I believe many people fall prisoner to this battle in the job place; and it is easy to do! Naturally when there is an individual higher than us, we desire to not only impress and win over their affection, but to become just like them. We so deeply value their input and attention that we allow them to occupy a small piece of our heart that should only belong to God. The same could be said, sadly, within the church itself. I've seen this happen far too often, the pastor is place upon the pedestal of the church and of our hearts. It seems like a given, we should look to our pastor as the perfect example of what to do, what to say and who to be. Yet how often do you hear of the stories of pastors falling into the temptations of this world? It's heartbreaking to so often see pastors caught up in sexual impurity, but somehow we are perpetually dumbfounded. My point is this, there is not a single person on earth who can measure up to, or take the place of God. And when we forget that, because we will, we will inevitably be let down. Romans 3:23 reminds us that, all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. Even our pastor, even of godly mentor, even our spouse. (Praise God for the refrain... and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.) Alright, let me now bring this rabbit trail back around. When we place our hope and our identity in people, we will always be let down and we will never see our true significance. But when we place our hope and identity in Christ, He will never fail, and He will always remind us of our significance. Psalm 136 reminds us (26 times to be exact) that God's love with never fail. And His love is the only love that will never fail. He is our King, enthroned to be our Everything. The reign of our hearts belongs to Him and Him alone. Only then will be able to understand the vastness of our purpose here on earth. If this hits close to home, let me encourage you with this. Just as the people we place on the throne of our hearts are not perfect, neither are we. We cannot expect to come to this realization and immediately make a change. Even though I’ve thrown off my need to depend on others to feel close to God, it’s an idol that still rears its ugly head in my life now and again. Like I wrote in my last blog, until we come face-to-face with Christ Himself, we will continue to fight the world, the devil and our own flesh. Be honest with the Lord about the condition of your heart. Who or what is currently reigning where the Lord should be? He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins, even this one.
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For those of you who know me, you know that I have always been a performer. No, I don' t mean on the stage with a costume and microphone; trust me, you don't want to see me on Broadway. But a performer in the ways of constantly striving to accomplish, achieve, win, and attain; not just for others but for myself. It's been a way of life for me for as long as I can remember. I have always loved being busy, I have always loved working and I have always loved filling my life with challenging tasks I could do well. I remember even back in elementary school I would be the one to win every spelling bee, get all the best grades and win each science fair. In middle and high school I would be president of every club, taking all AP classes and even finishing high school two years early. I would constantly desire to be busy, at one point I was even working four jobs during my time at a University. I would take well over the suggested amount of class credits, and throw myself into places of service and ministry simply to keep myself busy. This was not done with the mindset of being the best of the best, but rather a search for significance in accomplishments and validation in doing. I loved being busy because it meant I was important. I loved doing well (and doing a lot) because it meant praise and love from those around me. I had fallen into a performance trap that I didn't know was an issue, let-alone even existed. I realize I'm writing about this struggle in past-tense, and I wish I could do that with confidence that I've overcome the temptation to achieve. However, I stand before you today and confess that I am still a recovering work-a-holic. As much as I wish I could say I've figured out how to walk away from a life of working to earn value, it's unfortunately a present struggle even after years of recognizing it's severity. Here's the truth; deep within each of us there is a core longing for our existence and presence to matter. We yearn to not only be noticed, but to be celebrated and valued for who we are (though we get that last part confused with "what we do"). We desire significance, and that desire is not wrong! But it's been twisted and led us astray since leaving the Garden. It's brought us away from seeking delight from the Lord, and led us to seeking significance from the world. And I am so very guilty of that. Stay with me as I talk about what our mentality should be. The focus of a Christian should be on Christ, not on self-imposed regulation or validation through performance. I've had a lot of transition in my life these last several months. I've moved across the country (twice), I've lived out of suitcases for far too long, I've said too many goodbyes for my heart to handle, and I've been busier than I expected. It's been a wild ride but I wouldn't have it any other way. After making many changes in my life, I've recently landed in a temporary position of work in the ministry I'm with. It's been several weeks of not a lot of work to do, very few tasks a day and a slow moving process. A work-a-holics' worst nightmare. Praise God the amount of work I get done does not determine my importance, or else my life would be meaningless. It's been a difficult few weeks in this place because I so deeply desire to feel significant, and my previous method of measurement is feeding me lies. My method suggests: there's not a lot of work to do, which means you don't do anything. You don't do anything, which means you have no purpose. Somehow over the course of my life I've shifted my focus on performance, instead of on Christ. I look to what I can do to validate who I am. It makes sense for pre-Jesus Tori, but post-Jesus Tori feels as though it should be an easy shift back. We have to realize though that we've conditioned our minds to operate in this way, and setting our mind and heart back on Jesus is not a one-and-done solution. Until we come face to face with God, this present life with continue to pull us away from Him and towards our selfishness and flesh. It's a continual process in which we must take every thought captive to make ourselves obedient to Christ, and sometimes that means a daily, hourly or minutely battle. Seems like a lot of work, I know. And there will be days (and hours and minutes) that we fail and resort back to our performance-based condition, but our failures and lack of accomplishments will never change the truth of who we are in Christ. Zephaniah 3:17 says this... "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” You are known by God. He celebrates your existence. Not for what you have done, but because He loves you. The Lord our God, Who is mighty to save, takes great delight in you and in me. That’s significance. There are people who work 70 hours week. There are people who don't work at all. There are people who search for significance in their work. There are people who search for significance in other people. There are people who have never felt significant at all. And yet all of those people are valued by the King. God’s solution to our performance trap is His justification. This means God has not only forgiven us of our sins but also has granted us the righteousness of Christ, therefore we are already pleasing to the Father. At our very essence, as a daughter or son of God, we are good enough. Regardless of what we accomplish or what we don't accomplish, we are made valuable because of what Christ has done for us. Because of who God has already called us to be. I pray you and I both learn how to live in that truth. Next I'll write about seeking significance through other people. |
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