I've been thinking a lot lately on the idea of being known and knowing others. I know a lot of people, and a lot of people know me. But so often in my life I have felt as though many people knew me, nobody truly knew me. Kind of like before I came to love Christ, I knew of God but I did not know God what-so-ever. So many people knew who Tori Shine was, but I never felt as though anyone truly knew me, knew my heart, my desires and my shames. Many believe that they should keep those personal things, well, personal. There is truth to that and I do believe we should use discretion when sharing personal information for others, however I think many people shy away from the danger of sharing anything at all. And that is what truly damages us. I think it is vital for each of us to be known personally, even if only by a few people. For so long I desired people to not only know the real me, but to love the real me despite what they know. To be loved but not known is comforting, but superficial and frivolous. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear, and why so many of us keep the messy stuff to ourselves. But to be fully known and truly loved is, I believe, one of our deepest desires. And when done in the likeness of Christ, to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known. Otherwise what's the point of either one of them in the first place? To be fully known and truly loved is what liberates us from pretense, humbles us deeply and directs us to becoming more like Christ- on either ends of the process. Think about the story in John chapter four; the Samaritan woman at the well. A Samaritan was part Jew and part Gentile, a "mixed breed" of sort. Impure. It was already a social suicide for Jesus to be speaking to someone of that kind, not to mention the fact that she was a woman. A woman who was known in the city to be unclean. She had been with many men and at the time of meeting Jesus was with a man who was not her husband. Unclean, ashamed, used, abused, an outcast, a failure, a disappointment of a sinner. "Known" by many and loved by none. She had been at the well to gather water when Jesus appeared beside her as asked for a drink. A drink? She probably thought the man was crazy for asking such a thing, as Jews and Samaritan did not share anything in those days. She was a woman of no importance, a bad reputation and a broken spirit. And He wanted a drink from her. "How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samaria?" No drink from those hands could ever be refreshing, only condemning. Jesus asked her about her husband, to which she was caught in an awkward response. "I have no husband", Jesus reponds, "You are right, you have five. And the one you are with now is not your husband." I bet in that moment she had a feeling of uncontrollable guilt, shame, disturbance and embarrassment. And in that moment she made the realization that this man was no normal man, but someone of great importance. "A Prophet", she thought. He corrects her and she then finds out that this man was Jesus the Messiah. The Messiah. In that same conversation Jesus revealed to her what was to come, and asked her to go tell those in her city (a monstrous request in and of itself). There is so much that could be taken from this incredible story. But what I am left thinking as I read through the pages is the fact that for the first time in her life, the woman at the well was truly known and fully loved by this man in front of her. This man who she had never even met. I believe that she probably thought something similar to this: "You take the time to really look at me, you don't need to get to know me. For to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known, and you know me. You actually know me, all of me and everything about me. And yet you still look at me. And yet you still love me. Every thought I've had, every hair on my head. Every hurt stored up, every hope and every fear. From my past to my future, all I am and could be. You know me. Everyone else has looked and walked by, has cast glares and spit, but you stop and listen. You stop and speak. You call me out for what I've done yet still look at my heart, not my sin. You know what I am yet you still ask of me this bold request, and I accept." This woman went on to be what many consider the first evangelist. This broken and damaged mess of a woman. (Isn't it so funny how Jesus tends to do the opposite of what society expects?) I write about this story because I believe it gives such a beautiful example of what it is like to be known and loved, something we all desire so deeply. I have spent many years of my life afraid of letting people in because of the shame and embarrassment I clung to. I believed the lie that if someone truly knew the real me, they would no longer love me.
This story tells us the COMPLETE opposite. Something in me believes that the woman at the well had never in her life felt so seen and so loved and accepted. So what am I trying to say here? I keep babbling, but it's because this story really hits deep for me (for more reasons that I've shared here). What I am trying to say is that if we truly want to be loved the way that God intends us to be, it requires us to be willing to let people know us. I still remember the moment I sat down with someone close to me and opened up my heart to them. Even though I was sharing these dark and disgusting (so I thought) secrets with them, I had never in my life felt so loved and accepted. That person I was with had just heard what I believed to be the worst parts of my life and yet she looked at me with love in her eyes and told me a story of a woman who had done far worse and was still loved and forgiven. The woman at the well. What an incredible story of hope and redemption. A story that still encourages me to be open and vulnerable with certain people. I think we often are convinced by satan to keep those things to ourselves. He tries to get us to believe the lie that nobody could love us if they TRULY knew us. But I an convinced that people can't fully love us until they truly know us. The good news is that even if you could never get yourself to share your heart with someone, Jesus still knows. And He still loves with a love that surpasses all. But I hope this does encourage you to find someone to share your life and your heart with. It is something so powerful and something that I believe was intended by God to take place. If you'd like to read the story I referred to in full, check out John Chapter 4:3-42. I also pulled a lot of my ideas from a poem written about the story called "To be loved is to be known" by Chris Kinsley and Drew Francis.
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My heart is troubled today. We have been seeing over and over the brokenness and sin of the world revealed in terrifying ways lately; more than ever it seems sometimes. My heart aches, I feel sick when I turn on the news, and I sometimes fear logging into Facebook knowing that there is yet again something troubling on my news feed. I'm sitting here on my day off sipping coffee, sitting poolside in the sunshine, listening to birds sing and watching the neighbor kids play basketball. Unharmed, untouched, peaceful, blessed. But yet my heart is troubled today. Back home in Washington my friends and family are being pummeled with rain and floods and tornados. Friends are losing battles with cancer, others are desperately in need of money and prayer. The Syrian war continues to crush my spirit, the kids in my ministry are hurting, and sometimes I feel so helpless to the terror going on around me. My heart is troubled today. I know I'm not alone in this. I know we each have similar heartaches, stories of pain and times of helplessness and hopelessness. These things we have in common that continue to weigh on us and bring us to our knees. Our hearts may be troubled today but there is also one more thing we have in common, something we can each cling to and count on daily. Friend I know you see it most The dark before the dawn Feels fierce and it feels close But may you hear the angels voice He says hold on one more hour To me will you son So I will feel the night For the coming of The Lord And I'll await the light That I have seen before Friends I hope that in your times of trouble and heartache and pain, you remember the goodness of God that we have seen before. It's how I start my days, it's how I end my days. Remembering the faithfulness and the lovingkindness that I have seen before. The times and places where I cannot deny the greatness of the Lord. In these times remember that God promises to make all things right, and we should continue to look to that light, that promise, until that day comes. Enduring the night, looking to the light that is to come. Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5 Just something to think about. A word from the valley of my soul. My heart may be troubled today but I choose to feed it with faith and promise rather than fear and pain. A quick update:
I'm doing really well here in Florida! Life is good, work is good. The beach is good and God is good. I'm still in need of some finances, so if you are interested and able, please contact me about donating to my Young Life fund. Look forward to my monthly newsletter, and let me know if you would like to receive that. Thanks friends. Much love, Tori. Forgive my lack of updates, I suppose blogging is not my strong-suit, as you may have noticed. It's hard for me to find a few moments to sit and reflect outwardly on all that takes place in my life. It's a lot though, and I feel it's important to process all of those things somewhere other than your head- whether people read it or not. BUT, because I know many people do read it, I try to keep it organized, PG, and somewhat exciting. But who am I kidding? I don't have to try to make my life sound exciting, it simply is full of adventure and excitement all on its own. I have been blessed with a life far greater than imagined. I've done more, seen more and heard more than many people do in their lifetime, praise God. For those of you who haven't seen my last years worth of Facebook updates, I have just embarked on my most recent adventure, less than three days ago actually. For the last year I have been in preparation for full time ministry with Young Life Military. Finishing college, raising support (my salary), and learning the ins-and-outs of military life. All of which have been challenging, but all of which have been a wonderful experience. The last two or so months have been even crazier as I was attempting to graduate early and move to Jacksonville Florida (yes, the furthest away I could possibly get from home) to take a position at Mayport Naval Station. Success! It's been perhaps the scariest thing I've done, but so full of excitement and blessings. I get to work with (what I think are) the coolest kids in the world. Kids who full of strength and brokenness, boldness and fear, experience and wonder. Kids who have lived a life of change and challenge. What a beautifully messy combination. And I get to be involved! You may hear a slight expression of sarcasm, but I don't intend for that to be the case. I truly am excited, nervous, and humbled to be a part of their lives. I've traveled from Dublin to Munich, Amsterdam to Barcelona, Honduras to Mazatlán and Paris to Venice but I believe this is the best adventure I've been on yet; Jacksonville Florida. I arrived in Florida on Tuesday evening and after several hours or sitting on a plane, I went straight to Club (like a crazy version of youth group for you non-younglifers). Somewhere in between however, I was able to meet the family that has graciously welcomed me into their home for the time being (we'll get to that later). The next morning I drove to a staff meeting in downtown Jacksonville (farther away than you might think) and back to Mayport for several other meetings. Yesterday was full of paperwork and more meetings, and today I am taking a much needed day off. If you know me at all, you know that I am a work-aholic. I like to get things done quick so that I have extra time to get other things done. It's how I operate and sometimes suffer. I don't often give myself to relax, to process or to simply just be. But it is something that God has continued to press upon my heart, the importance of taking time to be with Him without work or to-do lists. I still suck at it, and fail to require that in my weekly schedule, but I am learning and gradually getting better. Hence, today. I'm enjoying a cup of iced chai, looking out at the beach, listening to a couple guys chat about their surf stories and simply just "be-ing". Okay, here are a couple more updates and things you should know! Like I said I am living with a family in Jacksonville Beach for the time being. They attend a church here in the area and a mutual friend connected us. I am constantly in awe of the many ways that God has provided for me. Whether a home, a family, finances or whatever, He is so faithful. I have had the privilege of living with some of the most incredible people and my new family, the Hayes, now fall into that category. They have a three year old daughter who might be too adorable to handle! Nazare (Mommy) is also pregnant again, so that is pretty exciting too! I'm sure you will eventually see many pictures. It's hot. Not just "my armpits are kinda sweaty" hot, but like, "my everything is sweaty" hot. Today has actually been pretty nice compared to the first few days. It hit 55 degrees and everyone pulled out their jackets and scarves. I thought it was perfect. I miss the greatness of northwest coffee. They don't really do coffee around here. They try, but to a coffee snob like myself it is just a joke. The beaches are beautiful. I didn't realize how close I would be to the beach... but it's right there! So far every day has been it own adventure and I'm sure the following months will keep in line with that. How exciting! I would love to hear from you guys, so please feel free to send a text, an email, snail mail. Anything. Love you all and will try to post again soon. Much love, Tori. |
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